Last week I talked about the "I give up" life theme, and I am
betting you were able to relate, at least to some degree! Am I
right? Last weeks message prompted me to think about how victim
life themes like, "I give up" often come from a deeply rooted
fear-based story.


Such life limiting stories permeate our families, our societies,
our cultures. They have been believed wholeheartedly, and never
questioned, for generations.


Another life-limiting story that we may find ourselves living out
is the old story that says, "I am not enough".


It may evolve over time from simple themes that eventually become
our beliefs about our lives and ourselves, for example:

As Children:

Our parents don't have enough time for us. We decide it's our
fault. We think that they withhold from us because we are not
lovable enough. We feel undeserving. We feel unloved, unacceptable
and we expect others to find us lacking and unworthy of their
attention or affection.


Therefore we behave in negative ways. Based on our belief that
we're not enough, we fail to see that we behave in ways that
provoke negative responses from others. Their response to our
negative actions end up proving our beliefs about ourselves and
life. We seek attention and belonging in other less positive ways,
possibly through street-gangs, drugs/alcohol or promiscuity, thus
proving our belief that we're not enough to deserve more.


And/or:

We decide we aren't smart enough or that we don't have enough of
the right resources to succeed in school. We rebel, drop out of
school, or drop the ball on classwork. We make poor grades and
refuse to even explore, much less get involved, with the
opportunities that our school may have to offer. We lower our
expectations for ourselves and life, and become 'under-achievers,'
or complainers/blamers in life. We blame others, our parents,
peers, teachers, government for our deprivation and 'ill-fated
future,' and use our 'I am not enough' story to justify our need to
be 'rescued.'


As Young Adults:

We see a world where there is a lack of enough good men/women
available for us to find right partnership. We settle for
relationships that do not meet our desires/needs.
We say yes to being chosen by someone even when we don't feel the
same towards them, just so we can claim we have someone in our
life. We abandon our checklist of what we want in a mate in our
desperation to find a mate, for fear that we will end up alone. Or,
we do the opposite; we become super picky and find fault with
everyone we meet. We are so sure there is no one suitable for us
that we only see what we don't like and we miss the opportunity for
genuine relationship.

And/or:

We believe we can't make enough money to live on so we settle for
jobs we hate just to 'get by.'  We opt for job security & benefits
over job satisfaction and personal well being. We end up resentful
of "having to live like this." We complain to all who will listen
about how unhappy we are at work and how we have no choice. We look
for ways to avoid work, feel no sense of accomplishment in what we
do and work the bare minimum of what is expected of us. Our life
theme is one of "just getting by." We hate our life. We feel
exhausted all the time and trapped in a dead end job.


In Mid-life:

We don't have enough time to get it all done. We work round the
clock, but still wake up everyday dreading that day's pressing
deadlines. We feel powerless over our lives and overwhelmed. We
rush through meals and our encounters with others. We make excuses
to family and friends for not spending enough time with them. We
won't take vacations, or time off of work, allowing only serious
illness or 'real' emergencies to distract us from 'the daily
grind.' We have great hope that someday there will be enough time
and resources for us so we can slow down and begin to enjoy life,
but we secretly think there will never be enough time for that to
be possible. Life is drudgery.


During Senior Years:

No matter how much money we put aside in retirement, we are sure we
don't have enough to take care of us during our retirement years.
Even though we worked hard and saved, we can't enjoy spending our
retirement funds because we think we may not have saved enough to
last. We constantly worry about our lack of health, future finances
and our declining physical/mental abilities. We become obsessed and
anxious.

And/or:

We don't have enough time left to do the things we want to do. We
believe we weren't successful. We think we didn't do enough good in
the world or perhaps we feel we didn't do enough for our families.
We feel deprived of good health and we feel we don't have enough
energy to do the things we wanted to do and never got around to.
Our lives become increasingly sedentary as we look back with regret
and feel cheated.


From a state of sufficiency, we say such things as these:

I go through my day trusting that I have time to enjoy my life AND
get the things done that are mine to do. I remind myself that I
have time to do what I am doing right now. Such assurance allows me
to give the task at hand my full attention, enabling me to do it
well, with high yielding results that will ultimately benefit me
and my career.

I take time to enjoy my life every day because I understand that
doing so invigorates my spirit and energizes me so that I am better
able to maximize my daily results.

I take time to take care of myself and in this way I work with
Source to provide all the health and time I need.

I trust that I am being perfectly led through life. I trust there
are no accidents or coincidences, and that what does happen is
designed to further me. Therefore I believe I am always provided
for. I question any perception of insufficiency or scarcity as
being distortions of reality. I have all the time I need to
complete my life to the fullest degree. I spend little, if any time
regretting what has happened or not happened in my past. I see my
past as a foundation for more, not evidence of lack. I practice
gratitude for the multitude of opportunities I have in life; for
the love, health and joy that is mine I give thanks.
Lynne Forrest Read her article on  Getting Your Angries Out
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MOTIVATING UNDERACHIEVERS PART I: 
WHEN YOUR CHILD SAYS "I DON'T CARE"
by James Lehman, MSW



Are you facing the new school year with dread because you have an unmotivated or underachieving teen or pre-teen? Is your child’s answer to everything, “I don’t care” or “It doesn’t matter?” In Part I of this two-part series, James Lehman, MSW explains why your child does have motivation—and how you can coach them to better behavior.



Once you realize that your adolescent is motivated to do nothing, it will become obvious to you right away that he actually puts a lot of energy into doing that “nothing.”

The first thing to understand about teens and pre-teens who seem to have no motivation is this simple truth: It'simpossible to have no motivation. Everybody is motivated—it just depends on what they’re motivated to do. I think it's helpful to see that rather than being unmotivated, these kids are actually motivated to not perform and to resist their parents. In other words, they’re motivated to do nothing.

Parents often think that if they can find a new way to encourage their child, he or she will magically start achieving more. I don't think it's like that at all. In fact, I think the problem is that these kids are motivated to resist, withdraw and under-perform. In effect, instead of acting out, they’re acting in.  Read full article

MOTIVATING UNDERACHIEVERS II: 
GET YOUR UNMOTIVATED CHILD ON TRACK BEFORE SCHOOL STARTS
by James Lehman, MSW



In Part II of  Motivating Underachievers, James explains what you can do to get your child on track before school starts—and how you can motivate them to do their school work during the year.



"I believe that when kids are so-called lazy, that's really an attitudinal issue about 'Why bother, my life's not going to get any better anyway.'"

For a teen-ager, there are many ways to say “screw you” to your parents. And for underachieving kids, being motivated to do nothing is one of those ways. I believe that when kids are so-called lazy, that's really an attitudinal issue about “Why bother, my life's not going to get any better anyway.” And when kids develop that kind of attitude, many times there's a lot of stuff going on in their lives which overwhelms them. Resisting their parents’ expectations is one way that they can feel like they’re in control. For these children and teens, the path to power becomes a game of withholding and resisting, and they often sink under the waves at school. The sad part is that this game only works until they’re young adults—and then no one else will be willing to play it with them.

What to Say to Kids Who Had a Bad Year Last Year
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“F--- You, Mom!” How to Stop Your Child
from Cursing in Your Home
by James Lehman, MSW

Don’t pick up that bar of soap yet! James Lehman, MSW has great advice for parents on what to do when their child has a foul mouth, from generalized cursing to verbal abuse.

You: “Why didn’t you do your homework?”
Your child: “I hate f------ school. I hate my f------ teacher.”
You: “Don’t talk to me like that!”
Your child: “Why not? You swear, too.”

Stop this scene right here. Your child is attempting to get you into a fight. When your child curses, above all, do not get into a power struggle over it with them. Parents should ignore the invitation to argue at this point and say, “We’re not talking about anything else. Why didn’t you do your homework? That’s my question. And you’re not going to use your cell phone until your homework is done.” Then turn around and walk away. Don’t debate it, don’t get into arguments. If your child says “I don't care,” you can say, “OK. If you don’t care, that’s all right. But you’re not using your cell until you get your homework done.” Don’t keep it going. Later, when your child calms down, give them a consequence for swearing. Each family should have a routine way of differentiating swearing from verbal abuse, and a different system for dealing with each behavior.

Let me be clear: If your child curses at you, what you need to understand is that they’re trying to hurt you, throw you off balance, or suck you into a fight. I believe that families should have clear rules about cursing. There shouldn’t be any discussion about it when it happens. And in my mind, there’s a difference between kids cursing in general or cursing at you or another family member, and calling you rude names. But either way, families need to establish rules around it. Often kids curse because they’re frustrated or angry about being asked to do something that’s hard for them or that they find boring, or maybe they’d rather be playing video games or hanging out with their friends. Understand that this is a way of solving the problem of being frustrated, but in a very immature way. In these instances, when things calm down, kids need to be taught that cursing doesn’t solve their problems—it adds to it. Because not only do they have their original problem, now they’ve got an extra consequence on top of that, whether they lose some of their allowance or they forfeit some video game time.

There’s No Excuse for Verbal Abuse
Parents need to establish a zero tolerance policy for verbal abuse in the home. Verbal abuse is differentiated from cursing because it is an attack on a person. Cursing is using an expletive when describing a situation or their own frustration. So in the opening example, that’s cursing: “I hate my f------ teacher.” If the child had said, “F--- you, Mom, it’s none of your business,” that’s verbal abuse. And there’s no excuse for abuse of any kind. When kids curse at their parents and siblings and call them names using sexualized terms, when this kind of attacking name-calling happens, this is verbal abuse, not just swearing. It is damaging, not just obnoxious. It has to be dealt with in the same way you’d deal with any kind of abusive behavior. When a child says, “You whore,” or “You faggot,” that’s damaging to your other children, and you’re responsible for protecting them from that kind of attack.

Make no bones about it: this behavior needs to be dealt with very strongly. If your child is grounded for 24 hours as part of the consequence and he happens to be involved in sports, make him miss practice for a day as part of the consequence of his actions. Don’t let anybody manipulate you by saying they “need to be there.” The most important thing here is that kids understand that there’s no excuse for abuse. I promise you as a parent, missing one day of practice is not the end of the world. What’s more important is not letting your child call you or his siblings those foul, foul names. If your child is not involved in sports, then have him lose his electronics for a few days. The best way to handle that is by saying, “You can’t have your phone back until you don’t call your sister those names for 24 hours.” If your child calls his sister a foul name again six hours later, it becomes 48 hours without the phone. And he has to go to his room and write a letter of apology. By the way, when I say letter, I mean a brief paragraph. And what the letter has to say is, “This is what I’ll do differently the next time I want to call you a name.” It should include an apology, but also, more importantly, he should make a commitment not to do it again.

For Younger Children
I believe it’s helpful if you don’t curse in front of your children if you expect your children not to curse in front of you. One thing we see very early on is that kids mimic parents by saying words they don’t understand. In that case, the best thing a parent can do with their younger children is calmly and pleasantly correct them, and try to teach them that what they’ve said is a bad word. The way I say it is, “It’s a bad word because people don’t like that word.” If your child says, “but you use that word,” you can say, “You tell me ‘no’ when I say it. Tell Mommy, too. Remind me that it’s a bad word.” And when they remind you, say you’re sorry and use a different word.

Establish a “No Swearing” Rule—and Make Everyone Pay the Consequences
For children who are older, an effective thing you can do as a family to curtail swearing is to establish a “Cursing Jar”. If anyone in your family curses, they have to put a quarter into the jar. If money isn’t readily available, a checkmark can go next to your child’s name, and every check might equal 10 minutes of an extra task or chore. Doing their regular chores shouldn’t be a consequence; you should give your child extra things to do. Look at it this way: if you make your child do the dishes because he cursed, and then you ask him to do them again on Thursday night, he’s going to ask, “Why? I didn’t do anything wrong.” He’ll feel like he’s being punished when all you want is for him to do his normal chores around the house. So it’s an extra chore you want to add on. I think the sooner you give them the consequence after they’ve cursed the better.

It’s also very effective to have an age-appropriate schedule and structure at night that lists how much time your kids can spend on video games, the computer, and watching TV. Say for example your child has an hour free time to play video games, but the way he gets that hour is by doing his homework first. If he curses, that extra chore you give him is done during that hour, and he loses part or all of his free time. That system should be in place, so later on when your child calms down and wants to deal with the issue because she wants her cell phone back, you can say, “You know the consequences for cursing and name-calling.” And they should get a different checkmark or extra chore for every time they curse.

What about Kids Who Swear at You under Their Breath?
Some kids swear passive aggressively, under their breath. But let’s face it, even if it’s under their breath, it’s the same thing, and you should give your child consequences for it. They may say, “I didn’t say anything. That’s not fair!”

You can come back with, “I’m sorry, but that’s what I heard you say. In the future, speak more loudly, or there will be consequences.” In other words, don’t let muttering curse words under his breath become a way for him to manipulate so that he doesn’t have to develop self-control.

Swearing is an issue at some time in all families. It’s one of the ways that frustration and anger are verbalized in our culture. Nonetheless, parents have to work very diligently on watching their language and being role models for their children, as well as holding their children accountable. Disrespect for authority is a major problem affecting children and adults today. It’s important to realize that children who know how to act respectfully and speak respectfully are better equipped to deal with the adult world than those who prefer to sound like thugs.
James Lehman is a behavioral therapist and the creator of The Total Transformation Program for parents. He has worked with troubled teens and children for three decades. James holds a Masters Degree in Social Work from Boston University. For more information, visit www.thetotaltransformation.com.

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