Problem Teens

Teens and Privacy: Should I Spy on My Child?
Plus: The 4 Tactics Kids Use When They Get Caught
by James Lehman, MSW

Note from James: A lot of the things we do to protect our children might be considered “spying” by our kids, but they are in fact measures we take to keep them safe from others, as well as from themselves. Before we begin, I want to say that I hesitate to use the word “spying” because it has a negative, sneaky connotation. It’s hard to “spy” on someone in your own home. But that’s a word parents understand and use when we talk about looking through our kids’ things, so we decided to use that characterization here.

Parents often wonder how much privacy their children need, and ask me if it’s okay to violate it. So before we get to the subject of spying on your child, I want to talk a little about adolescent privacy. Personally, I believe there should be a direct link between the amount of responsibility, consistency, and honesty that kids show and the amount of privacy they’re allowed to have in their rooms.



That’s one of a child’s big thinking errors. “I have a right to keep secrets from you; you don’t have any right to keep secrets from me.”

Adolescents need to separate and individuate. What that means is that they want to have a life of their own, and adolescence is really about preparing them for that. You should know that part of that process includes forming boundaries. To put it simply, boundaries are where your child ends and you begin. When a child is little, there is literally no separation: the child receives milk from its mother. And then as that child develops and gets older, boundaries start to develop. The day comes when your child goes to the bathroom and closes the door because he wants privacy, and he gets embarrassed if someone walks in. This separation is a natural part of human relationships, and as teens get older, the lines become clearer and clearer. Parents and kids often fight over where these boundaries exist, but your child’s need to establish them is very important. That’s why I think it's important that kids have privacy. They should have a room where they can go and just close the door. Even if they share a room with siblings, I think each child should have a place where they can have “alone time” and it’s respected by the family.

By the way, I understand that many parents go into their kids’ rooms to straighten up, pick up dirty clothes, and clean up: things we want our teens to do, even though they often don’t do it as much as we’d like. I don’t refer to that as “spying”—I call that doing what parents do. I think the term “spying” should be reserved for when parents start going through their kids' closets and drawers, going onto their computer and checking emails, looking through their backpack and pockets, and other activities of that nature. In my opinion, if your child is otherwise trustworthy, honest and responsible, I don’t believe there’s any reason for you to do that. In fact, I invite parents not to do that, and to start respecting that boundary. Certainly we don’t want our kids going through our drawers and closets. In my opinion, we should give kids who are responsible and mature the same respect.

When You Shouldn’t Spy
If you have a teenager who meets her responsibilities, comes home on curfew, is where she says she’ll be when she said she’d be there, is hanging out with the people with whom she said she would be hanging out, and you have no reason to be suspicious about anything, I suggest you stay out of her room. And I think you should tell her that, too. You can say something like, “I’m not going to interfere with your privacy, because you’re doing so well. I have no reason not to trust you.” That way, she knows she’s being rewarded for her behavior—your lack of interference in her personal space is a direct result of her actions.

Why do I think you shouldn’t you spy on your kids without good reason? Many parents do it, and I’m not saying it’s wrong. But in my opinion, it doesn’t foster independence and individuation. We want to raise a young adult who can make independent decisions and who can have a life of their own. Don’t forget, one of the things teens try to do during puberty is individuate. Part of having a life of their own is having a space of their own. So when you spy on your otherwise responsible child, the message you’re sending is, “I don’t trust you, even when you haven’t done anything wrong.”

Spying on Your Child: When the Game Changes
Let me be clear: I believe the whole game changes if you have discovered something incriminating or if you have a very real suspicion about your child’s risky activities. When faced with this situation, many parents will ask me if they have the “right” to look in their child’s room. To be honest, I don’t like talking about rights; the word is just too overused in our culture. But here’s the deal: I believe that whoever’s name is on the mortgage has a right to look anywhere in their house. In my opinion, that’s your right because you own the house. Even more importantly, you have a responsibility to protect your kids from themselves, even if they don’t want that protection.

Instead of talking about rights, I prefer talking about responsibility, accountability and obligations. I think once something triggers your suspicion and it’s real—if you think your teen might be using drugs, drinking or engaging in other risky behavior—you have an obligation and a responsibility to your child to look in their room. One empty beer can is sufficient. If you find alcohol or drugs or medication that he’s not on, I think you have to start looking around, because your responsibility is to try to protect your child from himself. And in order to accomplish that, you need knowledge. Remember, knowledge is power. When I say power, I don’t mean hitting something with a hammer—I mean the power of knowledge, when you understand what’s going on, when your eyes finally open and you see something clearly.

Monitoring the Computer
I know parents who have put monitoring programs on their children’s computers after they’ve discovered that their children have used drugs. The parents were able to read all the outgoing and incoming email on their child’s computer. Now I’m not necessarily suggesting you do that, but I do see that as fair. Remember, it’s not like we as parents have to respect all kinds of privacy for our kids and then they get to do whatever they want to do. You can’t have two sets of values. It’s not as if, “I have to be good and you can do whatever you want.” Rather, “If you don’t meet your responsibilities to take care of yourself and to stay safe, then I’m going to take whatever steps necessary. If that means looking in your room, looking in your drawers and looking on your computer, that’s exactly what I’m prepared to do.” In my opinion, doing that kind of thing after you’ve caught your child engaging in risky behavior is one of the few tools parents have.

“Why Should I Tell My Child if I’m Spying?”
Many parents will ask, “Why should I tell him I’m going to do it? He’ll only hide it outside of the house.” But that’s not your problem as a parent. Your responsibility is to be up front and clear. If he hides it outside of the house, he hides it outside of the house—remember, after the first time you find something, he’s going to hide it outside the house anyway. That’s his choice. But you’re making the rules in your house and I think you should be very clear and open about that. Make sure there are no secrets and it’s all up front before you start checking your child’s room, backpack, and computer. It’s important that you keep your integrity as an honest person intact. You can say something like, “You’ve lost my trust and I’m going to start checking on you more often. I’m doing this because I love you, want you to be safe, and I’m just not going to let you do this in our home.”

When You’ve Found Your Child Engaging in Risky Behavior
It’s a terrible thing when you’re trying to be a “good enough parent” and then your child goes out into the world and gets into trouble with drugs, drinking and other risky behaviors. On top of that, our kids are told a lot of things about what we parents can, should and shouldn’t be able to do. In my opinion, they’re fed a lot of baloney about their rights and what they should be able to do. In reality, that’s a lot of nonsense.

The fact is that it’s your home. The cell phone is probably in your name, the computer is in your name, but even if they are not, you have every right and responsibility to check them if you’ve been given cause to do so. It’s completely okay for you to look into those things in order to keep your home safe, your other children safe and especially the child whom you think is messing up safe. Don’t forget, when kids use drugs or do criminal behavior or engage in other risky activities, part of the power they have is to be secretive. That’s one of their big thinking errors. “I have a right to keep secrets from you; you don’t have any right to keep secrets from me.”

But the idea for you as a parent is, “You don’t have a right to keep secrets from me if it’s something that endangers you or endangers our family.” In my office, I trained parents to handle this situation by explaining it the following way: “You don’t have to search your child’s room, but it’s okay if you do. If your kid says, ‘You can’t do that, I’m going to call the cops,’ call the cops for them.” The police are not social workers, but if a child has been using drugs and the parent searches the room, they will support the parent. I think parents should be checking up on their child after a major infraction—and giving them stern consequences—as an obligation and as a responsibility.

By the way, parents have a hard time calling the police, and I understand. But I think it gives your child the following clear message: “Don’t try to intimidate me. I’m not going to let you destroy yourself. I’ll take any steps necessary to make sure it doesn’t happen.” I tell parents, “If he won’t listen to your authority, let’s kick it up a notch. Let’s go to a higher level of authority.” Believe me, when there’s a guy in your room in a blue uniform with a gun on and handcuffs on his belt and a big old flashlight, you know right away you’re not dealing with mommy and daddy anymore. That message comes across loud and clear: You’re not dealing with someone who you can manipulate and turn things around on.

Don’t Let Your Child Turn the Argument Around on You
When kids are caught with something incriminating, many of them will try to turn it around and say, “I can’t believe you went into my room!” They make it seem as if the parent has done something wrong. Turning things around is a tactic kids use to put parents on the defensive. They create an argument as a diversion to avoid taking responsibility for their actions or behavior. Below are a few tactics kids use when in this situation, and ways for you as a parent to make sure the discussion stays on track.

• Tactic #1: “I can’t believe you were spying on me!”

Here’s a common scenario: The parent says, “I found some rolling papers in your desk drawer.” And the child answers them with, “I can’t believe you were spying on me! I’m 16 years old. What’s wrong with you?” The parent should not get sucked into that argument. Instead, the parent should say, “I told you I’d be checking into things. The problem is not whether I’ve been spying on you, the problem is the rolling papers you have in your drawer. And that’s the only thing I’m willing to talk to you about. If you want to yell or scream, go yell or scream some place else. Because when you’re done, that’s what we’ll discuss. Not me violating your rights, because you are violating our home.”

So, don’t let your child turn it around. Say, “We’ll talk about this when you’re ready to talk about it calmly.” And then turn around and walk away. If your child says, “I’m ready now.” Tell him, “No, we have to wait 15 minutes. I’m not calm enough now.” Go sit down, take a walk, go have a cup of tea. And then come back, talk about it, and explain the consequences for their actions.

• Tactic #2: “I’m holding it for a friend.”

Kids will also say, “Well, it’s not even mine. I’m holding it for a friend.” I think you should come back with, “I don’t want to hear any of that. It’s your responsibility not to bring stuff like this into this house and you’re going to be held accountable for it no matter what you were doing.” Because kids will try to tell you that they’re being noble—it’s another tactic they use. They’re doing it to “save a friend.” Just don’t buy that. Say, “You brought it into the house. It’s in your possession. It’s your responsibility.” Look at it this way, if a cop stops you and you have an ounce of marijuana and you tell him it’s your cousin’s, they don’t want to hear that. You’ve got it in your hand, that’s all that matters because you’re in possession of it. And if you’re in possession of it, you’re responsible for it and you’re accountable to the law. That’s all there is to it.

• Tactic #3: “Why don’t you trust me?”

As I’ve said, adolescents are real pros at diverting the argument. So, if you say, “How come I found an empty beer can under your bed,” they might come back with, “Why are you spying in my room—why don’t you trust me?” But that’s not the question or the issue. The issue is that your child had an empty beer can under his bed. Holding him accountable is not spying, and you’re not violating his privacy or rights; don’t get dragged into that fight. Say, “We’re not talking about trusting you. We’re not talking about violating your privacy. You know the rules in this house. There are no drugs and alcohol allowed, both in the house and for your own personal use. That’s the issue, not your privacy. We’re going to talk about this in an hour, and I want you to be ready.” And turn around and leave the room.

• Tactic #4: “You broke your promise!”

If you spy on your child without cause and find something incriminating,I think you have to sit down and say, “Listen, I did something today that you’re not going to like. I went into your room without your knowledge and I looked around. And while I know you don’t like that, and I know that I told you I wouldn’t, I did it today. And I accept that you’re angry. If there’s some way I can make it up to you, I will. But while I was in there, I found some cough syrup bottles. And we’re going to have to talk about that and deal with it. And I want an answer as to how they got there and why they are in my house.” And if your child gets really incriminating and tries to turn it around, if he starts escalating and yells, “You promised you wouldn’t go in my room,” you can say, “We’ll talk about this when you calm down. I’ll be back in half an hour.” And turn around and leave. In this case, I think you should admit you were wrong and say you’re sorry if that’s the case. But also, the issue at hand has to be dealt with. Some things are just that important.

Is It OK to Take the Door Off My Child’s Bedroom?
I’ve known families where they’ve taken the door off the bedroom of an acting-out child.
My question for them is always, “Well, how’s he going to have any privacy?” If you take their door off, in my opinion, you’d better have a good reason. If your child is smoking pot in his room and hanging out the window, I think that’s a good reason. But ask yourself this: once you take the door off, how are you going to let him earn it back? It’s not, “The door’s gone forever.” And it’s not even, “The door’s gone for a month.” It’s, “The door’s gone until you…” Just like we teach in The Complete Guide to Consequences, give him a task-oriented consequence.

By the way, we’re not talking here about your child winning back your trust. If your child wants to earn back your trust and his privacy, where you’re not spying on him anymore, that can be discussed at a later date—but not soon. And you can tell your child, “That’s not on the table right now. For now, we’re dealing with the consequences of your actions.”

Privacy is a Privilege, Not a Right
Again, giving a child privacy as to what goes on in their room or what’s in their drawers is a privilege you give them because they are trustworthy and honest. In my opinion, it’s not a right. And your kids should know that if they violate the trust and honesty, one of the things that’s going to change is that you are going to be watching them more carefully. And yes, that might mean going through their drawers or closet or looking through their email. But that’s the price they pay for being dishonest and untrustworthy. We all have to learn in life that losing someone’s trust is a very powerful thing. People get fired from their jobs because they’ve done something that violates their boss’s trust, like stolen something from work or used drugs or alcohol while on the job. Trust is not something that can be taken lightly, both inside your home and out. It’s not spying when you decide you have to take extra steps to keep your kids safe from what’s going on in the outside world and from their own poor decisions, especially if you have other children in the home.

 James Lehman is a behavioral therapist and the creator of The Total Transformation Program for parents. He has worked with troubled teens and children for three decades. James holds a Masters Degree in Social Work from Boston University.

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Are You Taking This Parenting Shortcut (and Doing Too Much for Your Child)?

Posted By Tina Wakefield On September 10, 2009 @ 11:21 am

School is here.   I know many parents out there are dreading that the year ahead will bring nightly battles over homework and morning struggles over getting your child out of bed.

Parents can unintentionally take shortcuts when trying to change the behavior.  I don’t think that could be any truer than when it comes to school-related issues.  By the way, when I say “shortcuts” it has nothing to do with a good decision versus a bad decision as a parent; it’s more linked to this question: “Is the approach you’re using getting you any closer to the goal--is it really effective?”

The most straightforward shortcut parents take is assuming their child’s responsibility.  Most parents understand how valuable an education is and know that it can be instrumental in leading to an independent and successful life.  As a result, many parents feel tremendous pressure to get their child to succeed in an academic forum.  That can lead to a parent doing their child’s homework or hauling them out of bed every morning. The pitfall there is that the child is not being allowed to strengthen their ability to manage these responsibilities or learn necessary skills.

James Lehman refers to this as “The Martyr Role”– a the outcome of this pattern for your child is learned helplessness.  That means your child comes to rely on you to solve their problems and take away any distress in their life.  Parents’ thoughts and actions here are usually fear-based. They think, “I can’t let him fail,” or “I can’t let him feel bad because he’ll give up or think less of himself.”  The important thing to realize is that if you’re willing to allow your child to fail, then you’re able to turn it into a learning experience for him.  That translates into growth for your child — emotionally and behaviorally.

By the way, letting your child fail doesn’t mean not being involved in your child’s life or not stepping in when you see them struggling.  Letting your child fail does send him the message that you think he can pull it off.  If there is an issue, let him know you’re going to help him identify it and look at what steps he can take to move forward.  As parents, it can be tempting to supplement our children’s skills with our own in order to see them through, but understand that when you do this, your child is being trained to do less and less. The danger is that they can turn into people who are always on the lookout for that somebody else to swoop in and fix it all for them.

When I talk to these parents on the Support Line, they usually say they’re worn out!  Not only are they keeping track of their own adult obligations, but in addition, they’re basically back in school.  Keep in mind that you don’t have to do a complete overhaul of your parenting style in one day; it starts with doing small things a little bit differently.  A good place to start in this situation is creating more structure in the home around homework time:  Sit down and have a discussion with your child. Tell them that you’re no longer willing to do the work for them, but you want to talk about how they can fit in everything that they need to do in a day.  I think parents in this situation need to take an honest look at their response and be able to tell themselves that with the right support and guidance, their child can bounce back and be stronger and more resilient — even after they experience failure.  Remember, failure isn’t a permanent state and it doesn’t have the power to break you down unless you believe it does.

Tina Wakefield has been a Parental Support Line Advisor for the Total Transformation Program for 4 years. If you are a Total Transformation customer, you can access the Parental Support Line for help with challenges you’re experiencing with your child.

One minute Parenting Tips

Last week I talked about the "I give up" life theme, and I am
betting you were able to relate, at least to some degree! Am I
right? Last weeks message prompted me to think about how victim
life themes like, "I give up" often come from a deeply rooted
fear-based story.


Such life limiting stories permeate our families, our societies,
our cultures. They have been believed wholeheartedly, and never
questioned, for generations.


Another life-limiting story that we may find ourselves living out
is the old story that says, "I am not enough".


It may evolve over time from simple themes that eventually become
our beliefs about our lives and ourselves, for example:

As Children:

Our parents don't have enough time for us. We decide it's our
fault. We think that they withhold from us because we are not
lovable enough. We feel undeserving. We feel unloved, unacceptable
and we expect others to find us lacking and unworthy of their
attention or affection.


Therefore we behave in negative ways. Based on our belief that
we're not enough, we fail to see that we behave in ways that
provoke negative responses from others. Their response to our
negative actions end up proving our beliefs about ourselves and
life. We seek attention and belonging in other less positive ways,
possibly through street-gangs, drugs/alcohol or promiscuity, thus
proving our belief that we're not enough to deserve more.


And/or:

We decide we aren't smart enough or that we don't have enough of
the right resources to succeed in school. We rebel, drop out of
school, or drop the ball on classwork. We make poor grades and
refuse to even explore, much less get involved, with the
opportunities that our school may have to offer. We lower our
expectations for ourselves and life, and become 'under-achievers,'
or complainers/blamers in life. We blame others, our parents,
peers, teachers, government for our deprivation and 'ill-fated
future,' and use our 'I am not enough' story to justify our need to
be 'rescued.'


As Young Adults:

We see a world where there is a lack of enough good men/women
available for us to find right partnership. We settle for
relationships that do not meet our desires/needs.
We say yes to being chosen by someone even when we don't feel the
same towards them, just so we can claim we have someone in our
life. We abandon our checklist of what we want in a mate in our
desperation to find a mate, for fear that we will end up alone. Or,
we do the opposite; we become super picky and find fault with
everyone we meet. We are so sure there is no one suitable for us
that we only see what we don't like and we miss the opportunity for
genuine relationship.

And/or:

We believe we can't make enough money to live on so we settle for
jobs we hate just to 'get by.'  We opt for job security & benefits
over job satisfaction and personal well being. We end up resentful
of "having to live like this." We complain to all who will listen
about how unhappy we are at work and how we have no choice. We look
for ways to avoid work, feel no sense of accomplishment in what we
do and work the bare minimum of what is expected of us. Our life
theme is one of "just getting by." We hate our life. We feel
exhausted all the time and trapped in a dead end job.


In Mid-life:

We don't have enough time to get it all done. We work round the
clock, but still wake up everyday dreading that day's pressing
deadlines. We feel powerless over our lives and overwhelmed. We
rush through meals and our encounters with others. We make excuses
to family and friends for not spending enough time with them. We
won't take vacations, or time off of work, allowing only serious
illness or 'real' emergencies to distract us from 'the daily
grind.' We have great hope that someday there will be enough time
and resources for us so we can slow down and begin to enjoy life,
but we secretly think there will never be enough time for that to
be possible. Life is drudgery.


During Senior Years:

No matter how much money we put aside in retirement, we are sure we
don't have enough to take care of us during our retirement years.
Even though we worked hard and saved, we can't enjoy spending our
retirement funds because we think we may not have saved enough to
last. We constantly worry about our lack of health, future finances
and our declining physical/mental abilities. We become obsessed and
anxious.

And/or:

We don't have enough time left to do the things we want to do. We
believe we weren't successful. We think we didn't do enough good in
the world or perhaps we feel we didn't do enough for our families.
We feel deprived of good health and we feel we don't have enough
energy to do the things we wanted to do and never got around to.
Our lives become increasingly sedentary as we look back with regret
and feel cheated.


From a state of sufficiency, we say such things as these:

I go through my day trusting that I have time to enjoy my life AND
get the things done that are mine to do. I remind myself that I
have time to do what I am doing right now. Such assurance allows me
to give the task at hand my full attention, enabling me to do it
well, with high yielding results that will ultimately benefit me
and my career.

I take time to enjoy my life every day because I understand that
doing so invigorates my spirit and energizes me so that I am better
able to maximize my daily results.

I take time to take care of myself and in this way I work with
Source to provide all the health and time I need.

I trust that I am being perfectly led through life. I trust there
are no accidents or coincidences, and that what does happen is
designed to further me. Therefore I believe I am always provided
for. I question any perception of insufficiency or scarcity as
being distortions of reality. I have all the time I need to
complete my life to the fullest degree. I spend little, if any time
regretting what has happened or not happened in my past. I see my
past as a foundation for more, not evidence of lack. I practice
gratitude for the multitude of opportunities I have in life; for
the love, health and joy that is mine I give thanks.
Lynne Forrest Read her article on  Getting Your Angries Out

Greetings,

Another week has come and gone, every day filled with opportunities
to practice conscious choice, rather than reacting habitually out
of old patterns of belief. I hope you have chosen to be awake and
on the watch out for those times when unconscious thoughts and words
land us in victim-hood.

I often remind clients that landing in victim-hood is normal, even
inevitable. There is no judgment about how many times we get caught
up in victim-hood. What matters is how long we stay there. It is
our return to reality that is important.


When you are upset about something, ask yourself these questions:
What negative thought is causing me distress right now?
Am I willing to observe what happens when I believe that thought?
Am I willing to get honest with myself about what I see?
Or am I looking for something out there to blame?

One way that a victim mind-set manifests itself in our lives is
through an attitude of defeat.

Here is a sample of how an "I give up" story might be played out in
life:

As a child:
If a parent repeatedly says, "You can't get it right. Give it here,
I'll do it!"
We decide, "I give up".


"I give up" becomes the life theme. It becomes the central core
around which
we create a victim story that we then verify over and over. The
life theme/victim story becomes our identity. We take on a 'victim
ego.'


As life progresses the "I give up" story might play out like this:

In Youth:
School is too hard. I can't do it. I give up.
I'm not any good at sports. I give up.
I'm not good enough. I give up.

As Young Adult:
This marriage is too hard, it will never work. I give up.
These kids are impossible. They won't listen to me. I give up.


In Mid-life:
I'll never succeed in my career. I give up.
Dieting is too hard and I can't control my eating. I give up.
I never complete anything, why even start. I give up.
I am getting old and I can't make myself exercise. I give up.


During Senior Years:
I can't remember well anymore and it's too hard to follow the
conversation. I give up.
I am too old to get better. My body doesn't work right anymore. I
give up.
I can't beat this disease. I give up.


On Deathbed:
I cannot get well. I give up.
It takes too much effort to live. I give up.
It's too late for me. I give up.


"I give up" is an insidious mind set that robs us of life on every
front. Instead of claiming victory for our lives, this mind set
establishes us as losers who settle for scarcity, poor health and
unhappy circumstances. I've worked with clients who started giving
up on life as children, inch by inch, so that by the time they were
young adults they barely functioned at all!

Of course, there is an appropriate time for 'giving up.' There are
lots of things that, after much deliberation and clearing, we need
to give up, i.e. let go of such things as, attitudes, beliefs,
jobs, addictions, relationships, things that are not furthering us
need to be surrendered. This is not the kind of 'giving up' being
addressed here. I speak of the kind of giving up that is never
appropriate to do;

It is never appropriate to give up on ourselves, our lives, or
Source.

Giving up on any of these lands us in a state of victim-hood.

What is the antidote for "I give up?"
A will to live- founded on gratitude!


When we find ourselves wanting to give up on ourselves or life, we
turn our full attention to Source and proclaim victory over victim
by saying things like:

No matter how many mistakes I make I keep going forward. I learn
from them and get better and better all the time. I never give up
on me.


I know that no matter how hard what I'm trying to learn seems, I
will improve with practice. I will practice until I am able to do
it with ease and proficiency. I do not give up.


I rise above my circumstances and grow from them. I understand that
my life trials prepare me for leadership and future success. I am
confident in my ability to realize my goals. I continue, one foot
in front of the other, always moving forward. I never give up on my
life.


I know that the difficulties I experience in my marriage or with my
children are intended to grow me into a better, more conscious and
forgiving person. Therefore I seek to understand my own reactions
first, rather than fixate on how they need to be different.


I never give up on love.

I take full responsibility for my decisions in my relationship. I
know, whether we stay together or not, that this relationship was
meant to be and that I have grown from our time together.


I never give up on reality.

No matter what disease I am dealing with, I know that healing is
possible.


I never give up on life.

No matter how old I am, I live fully alive every single moment. I
will never be too old to feel my oneness with a Source that loves
me. I never give up on Source.


Wishing you a lifetime of never giving up!
Blessings, Lynne