Problem Teens

Getting ready for your child(ren) to return to school can bring relief, excitment and for some parents real anxiety.  When parents are facing a year of calls from the school because of the child's behavior, resistance to enrolling your child can be great.
NOW, there is an opportunity to change your families experience in school, at home and create a working relationship.  It's never too late.  Problem teens, even children with ADHD, ADD, OCD, ODD can learn to be responsible for their behavior.   Tools For Change, give parents the needed skills to manage the most difficult problems.
This school year, find enjoyment in the life you share with your child!

Teens, Alcohol and Binge Drinking: Why Kids Are
Drinking Hard Alcohol at a Younger Age
by Elisabeth Wilkins, Empowering Parents Editor



It’s Saturday night, and kids all over North America are hanging out at their friends’ houses, watching movies, going to parties. And children as young as 11 are taking their first drink of alcohol—the average age when boys start drinking. For girls, that age is now 13. More and more kids are drinking hard liquor, and an alarming number of those teens and pre-teens are binge drinking, which is defined as consuming 5 or more drinks of any alcohol in one setting for boys, and 4 or more drinks for girls.

“When I ask them if they drink to get drunk, they say, ‘Duh, that’s why we do it,’" says Dick Schaefer, an addiction counselor who has worked with chemically dependent teens for nearly thirty years. He is also the author of Choices and Consequences: What to Do When a Teenager Uses Alcohol/Drugs. “Getting drunk is the thing to do, and they associate it with fun.” Traditionally, in the upcoming season of graduation, prom and other kid rites of passage, the amount of alcohol young people drink soars. What's important, says Schaefer, is to keep the lines of communication open before an incident occurs—and know how to deal with your child if you do catch them drinking.

"They’re not sipping alcohol—they’re gulping it down like soda.”—Dick Schaefer

The fact is, kids are hitting the bottle in greater numbers these days, enough to cause the Surgeon General to issue a report last year warning parents about alcohol consumption among minors. According to the study, there are 11 million underage drinkers in the U.S., and 7.2 million of those teens and pre-teens are binge drinking. The reasons for the surge among teens and pre-teens in recent years are many: Kids are gravitating towards the newer, flavored hard liquors the alcohol industry is producing. And “They’re not sipping—they’re gulping it down like soda,” says Schaefer. “The kids I see tell me they drink every weekend, at least four times a month. And they get drunk each time.” He considers alcohol to be the number one risk for teens and pre-teens when it comes to substance abuse. The Surgeon General calls it “The drug of choice for teens in America."

Besides highway accidents and the increasing number of tragic fatalities caused by kids drinking to toxic levels, the dangers alcohol poses are many: recent studies have shown that binge drinking can lead to brain damage, obesity, memory loss, and impairment of other brain functions. The statistics are staggering: children who get drunk for the first time under the age of 15 are five times more likely to have alcohol-related problems later on in life. And if alcoholism is in your family, your child is four times more likely to become an alcoholic.It’s been estimated that more than three million teenagers are alcoholics in this country, and millions more are classified as having a serious drinking problem.

In the last five years, some troubling new trends have emerged: There have been an increasing number of younger kids who are referred to the court as first time users—or kids who have been caught in the act of underage drinking. “Now we’re getting 12 and 13 year olds referred into the court system. And I’ve seen kids who are 12 going to the ER as a result of over-drinking,” says Schaefer. In addition, more girls are being referred to the courts than ever before.

Misuse, Abuse and Addiction: Know the Difference
As the director of the Touch Love Addiction Treatment Center in Fargo, North Dakota, Schaefer also works with the court system in his area to help kids who have been arrested for consuming alcohol. Frequently, treatment  involves minors attending classes with their parents. He classifies their drinking at the following levels:

Misuse: Any time a minor drinks. (Except for religious purposes or meals at home with parental approval.)

Abuse: Any time a minor gets drunk or stoned, any time they have drugs on them, engage in binge drinking or have paraphernalia, and any time they get behind the wheel while intoxicated. As a parent, if you walk into your kid’s room and find a bottle of alcohol, marijuana or paraphernalia, you should consider them to be at the abuse level. “Kids at the misuse level won’t bring it home, because they can take it or leave it and they don’t want to get in trouble,” says Schaefer. “At the abuse level, they need the chemical high, so they’ll take the chance. Once you equate having fun with getting high, that’s abuse.”

Potential dependency: The primary relationship for addicts is the relationship with alcohol or drugs. This is when the relationship with the substance becomes more important than any other relationship. This is when a child will choose the chemical high over time with family or friends. “Alcoholics and drug addicts are very lonely people,” says Schaefer. “You can’t get close to someone while they’re high. I tell the kids in my classes, ‘You’re lonely, and you’re going to be lonely until you get straight.’”

Giving Consequences: 4 Types of Contracts
In his work as an addiction counselor, Schaefer developed a system of contracts parents can give their children in order to keep them alcohol and drug-free. Each new contract is adopted if the prior one has been broken.

The Rules: What can parents do to set consequences in the home? Start out with rules. “The rule in our house is no chemical use. Your curfew is 12:00 midnight on the weekends.” This is a verbal agreement with your child. List the logical consequences for breaking the rules. “We caught you drinking. You will have to forfeit the car keys for 1 month.” Negotiate with your teen and agree to the consequences ahead of time. This takes the heat out of the moment.

The Simple Contract: This is a rule written down with specific consequences, to be implemented if the verbal agreement is broken. The Simple Contract should be written down and signed at the misuse level. At the very least, your child should agree to three things: no chemical use, no violence, and a curfew. Tell your teen that if they violate this contract, they will be sent to a chemical dependence evaluation.

The Turf Contract: If the Simple Contract is broken, the next type of contract you can implement is the Turf Contract. This is a written agreement that includes all the points of the Simple Contract and outlines the behavior required for the teen to earn privileges at home, like use of the car or cell phone. In addition to stopping any alcohol or drug use, the behavior might include school attendance and performance, keeping a curfew, or doing chores at home. The consequence you can give for breaking this contract is the choice of chemical dependence treatment in either an in-patient or out-patient setting. Schaefer advises, “Always give your child a choice—never put a kid in a corner without a way out.”

The Bottom-Line Contract: This is to be implemented if the Turf Contract is violated. The Bottom-Line Contract is a written agreement that outlines specific behaviors required for your child to retain the privileges of living at home or staying in school. It includes all the elements of the Simple and Turf Contracts. Consequences for breaking this contract by doing drugs or alcohol: Give the child the choice of two reputable and available inpatient treatment centers. “You’re saying, ‘You’re out of control, and we’re going to agree to get you help,'" Schaefer explains. 

If You Suspect Your Child Has a Substance Abuse Problem: What You Can Do Now
If you suspect your child might be drinking or taking drugs, talk to your child’s school. Substance abuse almost always shows up in attendance, GPA, and truancy. “If kids are getting drunk, they’re not doing their work,” says Schaefer. What happens in school is not confidential, and teachers are required to record observable behaviors of their students. Schools have checklists for teachers that parents can ask to see. (One of these is called the “Student Assisted Programs Checklist,” but names may vary from state to state.) The list includes questions about truancy, the students’ attitudes and behaviors, and also alcohol and drug-related questions. "As a parent, you have the right to know what is being recorded about your child," says Schaefer. While parents do not have a right to hear what kids tell school counselors or psychologists—except in the case of suicidal or homicidal behaviors or vandalism—parents do have a right to see any checklist the school has on their child.

You need to have some communication with your child about drinking and substance abuse. “It should be just as easy to talk to them about drinking and marijuana as it is to talk about sex…and that’s the problem,” says Schaefer. “We think we’re so open but we’re not. Talk about the drinking scene, talk to your kids about your concerns. Keep the lines of communication open.”

The good news is that not all kids are drinking. About 60 percent of kids in the U.S. and Canada drink, but 40 percent do not. Arm yourself with that information before you talk to your child, who might be under the impression that all his friends are doing it. “That’s the important message that I try to get across,” says Schaefer. “In my classes I say, ‘You guys are among the 60 percent, you broke the law.’ And that’s good to tell kids. We’ve got to break this idea that ‘everybody drinks’ because it’s just not true.”

*********************

At his court-mandated classes for kids who have been caught drinking, Dick Schaefer gives out this list of questions to parents who attend with their children. "I tell the kids, 'Parents are given this list of questions at the hospital when you're born. They have the right to ask you these questions—and get the answers from you—until you're 18."

5 Things Every Parent Has the Right to Know:
Where are you going?
What are you doing?
Who will you be hanging out with?
How will you get home?
What time will you be home?
Elisabeth Wilkins is the editor of Empowering Parents and the mother of a 6 year old son. Her work has appeared in national and international publications, including Mothering, Motherhood, and The Japan Times. Elisabeth holds a Masters in Fine Arts in Creative Writing from the University of Southern Maine.

“F--- You, Mom!” How to Stop Your Child
from Cursing in Your Home
by James Lehman, MSW

Don’t pick up that bar of soap yet! James Lehman, MSW has great advice for parents on what to do when their child has a foul mouth, from generalized cursing to verbal abuse.

You: “Why didn’t you do your homework?”
Your child: “I hate f------ school. I hate my f------ teacher.”
You: “Don’t talk to me like that!”
Your child: “Why not? You swear, too.”

Stop this scene right here. Your child is attempting to get you into a fight. When your child curses, above all, do not get into a power struggle over it with them. Parents should ignore the invitation to argue at this point and say, “We’re not talking about anything else. Why didn’t you do your homework? That’s my question. And you’re not going to use your cell phone until your homework is done.” Then turn around and walk away. Don’t debate it, don’t get into arguments. If your child says “I don't care,” you can say, “OK. If you don’t care, that’s all right. But you’re not using your cell until you get your homework done.” Don’t keep it going. Later, when your child calms down, give them a consequence for swearing. Each family should have a routine way of differentiating swearing from verbal abuse, and a different system for dealing with each behavior.

Let me be clear: If your child curses at you, what you need to understand is that they’re trying to hurt you, throw you off balance, or suck you into a fight. I believe that families should have clear rules about cursing. There shouldn’t be any discussion about it when it happens. And in my mind, there’s a difference between kids cursing in general or cursing at you or another family member, and calling you rude names. But either way, families need to establish rules around it. Often kids curse because they’re frustrated or angry about being asked to do something that’s hard for them or that they find boring, or maybe they’d rather be playing video games or hanging out with their friends. Understand that this is a way of solving the problem of being frustrated, but in a very immature way. In these instances, when things calm down, kids need to be taught that cursing doesn’t solve their problems—it adds to it. Because not only do they have their original problem, now they’ve got an extra consequence on top of that, whether they lose some of their allowance or they forfeit some video game time.

There’s No Excuse for Verbal Abuse
Parents need to establish a zero tolerance policy for verbal abuse in the home. Verbal abuse is differentiated from cursing because it is an attack on a person. Cursing is using an expletive when describing a situation or their own frustration. So in the opening example, that’s cursing: “I hate my f------ teacher.” If the child had said, “F--- you, Mom, it’s none of your business,” that’s verbal abuse. And there’s no excuse for abuse of any kind. When kids curse at their parents and siblings and call them names using sexualized terms, when this kind of attacking name-calling happens, this is verbal abuse, not just swearing. It is damaging, not just obnoxious. It has to be dealt with in the same way you’d deal with any kind of abusive behavior. When a child says, “You whore,” or “You faggot,” that’s damaging to your other children, and you’re responsible for protecting them from that kind of attack.

Make no bones about it: this behavior needs to be dealt with very strongly. If your child is grounded for 24 hours as part of the consequence and he happens to be involved in sports, make him miss practice for a day as part of the consequence of his actions. Don’t let anybody manipulate you by saying they “need to be there.” The most important thing here is that kids understand that there’s no excuse for abuse. I promise you as a parent, missing one day of practice is not the end of the world. What’s more important is not letting your child call you or his siblings those foul, foul names. If your child is not involved in sports, then have him lose his electronics for a few days. The best way to handle that is by saying, “You can’t have your phone back until you don’t call your sister those names for 24 hours.” If your child calls his sister a foul name again six hours later, it becomes 48 hours without the phone. And he has to go to his room and write a letter of apology. By the way, when I say letter, I mean a brief paragraph. And what the letter has to say is, “This is what I’ll do differently the next time I want to call you a name.” It should include an apology, but also, more importantly, he should make a commitment not to do it again.

For Younger Children
I believe it’s helpful if you don’t curse in front of your children if you expect your children not to curse in front of you. One thing we see very early on is that kids mimic parents by saying words they don’t understand. In that case, the best thing a parent can do with their younger children is calmly and pleasantly correct them, and try to teach them that what they’ve said is a bad word. The way I say it is, “It’s a bad word because people don’t like that word.” If your child says, “but you use that word,” you can say, “You tell me ‘no’ when I say it. Tell Mommy, too. Remind me that it’s a bad word.” And when they remind you, say you’re sorry and use a different word.

Establish a “No Swearing” Rule—and Make Everyone Pay the Consequences
For children who are older, an effective thing you can do as a family to curtail swearing is to establish a “Cursing Jar”. If anyone in your family curses, they have to put a quarter into the jar. If money isn’t readily available, a checkmark can go next to your child’s name, and every check might equal 10 minutes of an extra task or chore. Doing their regular chores shouldn’t be a consequence; you should give your child extra things to do. Look at it this way: if you make your child do the dishes because he cursed, and then you ask him to do them again on Thursday night, he’s going to ask, “Why? I didn’t do anything wrong.” He’ll feel like he’s being punished when all you want is for him to do his normal chores around the house. So it’s an extra chore you want to add on. I think the sooner you give them the consequence after they’ve cursed the better.

It’s also very effective to have an age-appropriate schedule and structure at night that lists how much time your kids can spend on video games, the computer, and watching TV. Say for example your child has an hour free time to play video games, but the way he gets that hour is by doing his homework first. If he curses, that extra chore you give him is done during that hour, and he loses part or all of his free time. That system should be in place, so later on when your child calms down and wants to deal with the issue because she wants her cell phone back, you can say, “You know the consequences for cursing and name-calling.” And they should get a different checkmark or extra chore for every time they curse.

What about Kids Who Swear at You under Their Breath?
Some kids swear passive aggressively, under their breath. But let’s face it, even if it’s under their breath, it’s the same thing, and you should give your child consequences for it. They may say, “I didn’t say anything. That’s not fair!”

You can come back with, “I’m sorry, but that’s what I heard you say. In the future, speak more loudly, or there will be consequences.” In other words, don’t let muttering curse words under his breath become a way for him to manipulate so that he doesn’t have to develop self-control.

Swearing is an issue at some time in all families. It’s one of the ways that frustration and anger are verbalized in our culture. Nonetheless, parents have to work very diligently on watching their language and being role models for their children, as well as holding their children accountable. Disrespect for authority is a major problem affecting children and adults today. It’s important to realize that children who know how to act respectfully and speak respectfully are better equipped to deal with the adult world than those who prefer to sound like thugs.
James Lehman is a behavioral therapist and the creator of The Total Transformation Program for parents. He has worked with troubled teens and children for three decades. James holds a Masters Degree in Social Work from Boston University. For more information, visit www.thetotaltransformation.com.

By James Lehmen, MSW
Excerpt
A Word about Hopelessness

I’ve worked with hundreds and hundreds of families in thirty years as a behavioral therapist. Many of whom had tried everything with their child—from getting advice from family to getting help through therapy—and nothing had been effective in turning around the problems. After years of being emotionally blackmailed by their kids, feeling held hostage by the problem, and feeling that the system has let them down, parents can feel powerless, and when they feel powerless, they lose hope. Hopelessness is the most dangerous emotion of all for parents because it breeds skepticism and slams the door on change.

If this is your situation, the message I have for you is that you have to keep trying, because your child is your greatest love and creation. If he’s not doing well, you need to try something different. If you’re going to somebody’s office and not getting help, go to another resource, or, better yet, bring the training into your home where the behavior problems are happening. Doing this could be the one different thing that opens the door to change in your child.
Full Article

Being perfect is an allusion, even the brightest, riches and most sucessful can provide you with tale of drama that could become the next Reality Show.  As  a parent, we see our teen through filtered vision.  Part of us wants that child to be the brightest and the best.  The other part of us sees that, like us, they are human and through the years taken on personalities that may be placing themselves or others at risk.

Personally, I can provide a list of professionals, programs and websites that gave me insight, but left me still dealing with the same problem I had when I started.  After one of my children had attended "a program", I seriously began to take a cold hard look within myself.  Giving myself the victim role, no longer could be part of my MO.  Allowing myself to run on anger to be motivated to go to work, keep up with an impossible schedule and manage my kids situations had to stop.

Much like quiting an additive substance, letting go of my main drive that worked to well (or not) has been a challenge.  What I discovered was, the more I studied, learned and positively made changes in my core beliefs, was honest with myself; the more my family began to  make the same effort.  Each one of my children have participated at different levels of my transformation.  The honest effort to heal and bring true peace and respect into our lives is in a large part the willingness of my children; each in their own manner giving me the feedback and working to make their life drama free and working.

These two articles give some real life transformation information!  Give yourself the knowledge to change your life.

Are You A Mother Or A Martyr?

 Lynne Nambe's Get Your Angries Out

Verbal abuse and intimidation by children and teens isn’t just a phase that goes away; it doesn’t “just happen.” It often has deep roots that begin very early in a child’s development. In this article, I’m going to show you how your child’s abusive behavior may have evolved. Then next week, I’ll show you what you can do to stop it.

It should be noted that there are times when kids can get very mouthy as a reaction to stress, chaos or even as part of the developmental stage they’re going through. They can become testy in their answers to you, and their tone may become defiant or condescending. But abusive children cross a line when they start attacking people verbally, demeaning others, or threatening to harm themselves—or someone else. The verbalization of threats, name-calling and intimidation gives them power. Those are the kids we’re focusing on in this article, and usually they cross the line at a very early age.
Read,Another Article that can bring you understanding and Peace In Your Home

On a daily basis parents make decisions about discipline that shape their child's character, values and future.  In reviewing how we discipline, it may be effective to write down what methods you have used.  For the time being, set that list aside and read other methods that others have been sucessful with, understand the reasoning and how it made a difference in the ultimate results acheived with the behavior of the child.  Review your list, ask yourself how your methods have worked or not worked. 

Our job as a parent is an ever learning position.  Choosing to learn new skills, methods, employ tools that have been sucessful can provide the working structure so desired in your home.  By changing our own methods of discipline, we can create a relationship with our child(ren) that provides the child resources to learn from their mistakes.  The Total Transformation provides great "Tools For Change".  Parents can make a difference in their child's life.  The earlier you start, the better your results.  This is not to say that teens and young adults will not benefit from your decision to change your method of how you respond to them.  They too will benefit in how you revise your methods.  Teens and young adults are responsible for their behavior and consequences too.  Learning to manage our response to them will provide them an opportunity to improve their character and values.

Masters of Manipulation:
How Kids Control You With Behavior
by James Lehman, MSW

“My son can be the sweetest, most awesome kid in the world,” says Tracy of 10-year-old Jarrett. “But he has ADHD, and he totally uses it to his advantage with us. He would have huge meltdowns when we asked him to go to bed and shut off the light.” The Phoenix-area mom recalls the night Jarrett’s meltdowns went over the top. “One night he had the biggest fit ever. He wound up throwing everything out of his room, including his mattress. He punched a hole in the wall and broke the door. We had just started The Total Transformation Program. We got out the workbook and were frantically looking through it when we saw what was wrong. We were his audience, and he was using this outburst to control us.”

Kids manipulate their parents.  It’s part of their normal routine. They learn to use their charms and strengths to get their way and negotiate more power in the family.



“You can be sure your child knows what it takes to make you back down.”

Some forms of manipulation by kids are harmless. For example, if your daughter wants to go to a dance on a Saturday night, and she’s extra charming to you that week, but she’s getting good grades, she’s trustworthy and she’s doing her chores, there’s no reason for her not to go. The display of charm is sweet, harmless and appropriate.

On the other hand, that charm can be used inappropriately, such as when a child plays one parent against another to get what he wants. Or when a child has demonstrated previously untrustworthy behavior and tries to manipulate his parents by being overly sweet and compliant in order to get the chance to go out on Friday night.

The real problem with manipulation is when kids use behavioral threats to manipulate you, as in the case of Tracy and her son.  In this type of manipulation, the child is telling you, “Give me my way or face my crap.” In other words, “If I don’t get my way, I’m going to make trouble for you.”  In this situation, the manipulation becomes a power and control game for the child, and that’s where it gets dangerous for parents.  When kids are wrestling with their parents for power and control over things, the child does things that are inappropriate, and the parents do things that are ineffective. The child talks abusively or pitches a fit, which is an inappropriate way to get what he wants, and the parent backs down or gives in, which is an ineffective response.

A good example of how this power struggle plays out in the home is when a child starts talking about going out in the evening and you tell him, “No, your homework’s not done, so you can’t go out until it’s done,” and the child’s voice gets louder as he resists, and his tone gets harsher.  You may look at it as anger, frustration or an inability to handle stress on the part of the child. But it’s really a sign that the child is trying to manipulate the situation—and you—through power.  In his mind, being harsher and louder will tip the balance in his direction.  The child is making a power thrust—an attempt to use some form of behavior or verbally abusive power to get his way.  It’s like an emotional sword in his hand and he thrusts it at you. 

Whenever a child uses a power thrust to get his way, you need to be very careful about how you respond.  First of all, you cannot give in and you cannot negotiate while the kid is in that state of mind.  If your child raises his voice at you when he hears the word no or yells at you, say this: “We’re not even going to talk about this if you’re raising your voice.  We’re not even going to talk about this if you’re starting to threaten me.”  If a kid grumbles and gets a little mouthy on the way to his room or on the way to do a chore, that’s not a power thrust. I’m talking about intimidating, threatening behavior. This is manipulation that is designed to make you back down. Usually when kids use this type of behavior, they’ve acted out in the past.  So they’ve already loaded the gun.  Most parents know what’s coming.  So when you see it coming, remember: the discussion about the dance is over.  Now the discussion is, “You have to manage your voice and your behavior.” That’s when the parent should walk away and say, “We’ll talk about this when you calm down.” 

Another appropriate response in this situation is to ask the child, (if you can do it without hostility) “Are you trying to intimidate me?” Basically, you’re asking the child, “Are you trying to bully me right now?”  But remember, if your tone is hostile, it’s going to sound like a challenge to the child, and we don’t want to do that. We simply want to question it. “Are you trying to bully me” is a good question to defuse the situation.  Number one, it gives the kid direct feedback that he’s bullying you and being inappropriate.  It reveals to him what you’re experiencing.  Number two, it takes some of the power out of the power thrust.  It brings it down to its right size. Identifying it tends to neutralize it to some degree.  Hopefully, the child will realize that now we’re talking about power, not about going to a dance. If he says that, yes, he’s trying to bully you, your response needs to be, “Well, that’s not going to help you solve your problem.”  If he says that’s not what he’s doing, then tell him to please lower his voice. What you’re doing here is giving the child a decision tree that focuses the conversation on the new problem, the real problem. The fact that he is manipulating you to gain power and control.  The new issue is not whether or not you go to the dance.  The new issue is you’re trying to intimidate me, and it won’t help you to get what you want.

Another form of manipulation kids use is to split their parents. They’ll go to the parent whom they think is the weakest link or the one who has wavered in the past in order to gain power.  That’s why parents have to be very coordinated in what they value and what their decisions are.  If both parents agree that homework has to be done for the entire week before the kid’s weekend starts, and if the teacher says that the child’s assignments aren’t done from Tuesday, on Friday night the child can’t start watching TV or play video games or go out until that homework’s done.  As parents, you both have to decide what the plan is and follow it through.  There can be no excuses, whether the child is being overly sweet to get out of doing homework or whether he throws a tantrum to get out of it. Both tactics are manipulative and they should be dealt with the same way. If you have a manipulative child and you decide on certain strategies to manage that manipulative behavior, both parents have to be on the same page with their values as well as their plan.  "If you don’t bring your books home, unless you borrow a book from a friend and get the work done, you don’t get to go out till next weekend."  Don’t set up a situation where dad or mom gives in and lets the child off the hook if they cry, whine, plead, resist, act out, or simply lay on the charm. Stick to the plan.

Kids watch their parents for a living. It’s their job. It’s what they do. And they know their parents have more power than they do.  So they learn quickly which parent can be manipulated and how much it will take to get that parent to give in. Some parents will give in when the child applies a little more charm and warmth. Other parents give in when the child lashes out, screams and gets abusive. You can be sure your child knows what it takes to make you back down. So you need to be sure to talk about your plan for managing this behavior as parents and stay on the same page.  Never say, “I’ll talk to Dad about it,” if you don’t agree with something Dad has decided. Don’t ever do that. It’s the child’s responsibility to work it out with the parents in an appropriate way. When parents disagree, they have to handle it privately. If the consequences change, they should be changed by the parent who delegated them, so that the parents remain empowered.

Tracy’s Postscript:

“So we read what to do in the workbook and I told him, “We’re not going any further until you put your room back. I’m going out front for twenty minutes. I expect your bed to be put back, everything to be put in order, and you to be in your bed with your light off before we come in.”  He was still yelling at us. I said I’d come in and check on him in twenty minutes. So we all went out to the front porch. He started acting out even louder while we were out there. Any other time, I would have freaked out at that moment.  He screamed and slammed things in his room. Normally, that’s when I would typically be like, ‘Okay, just calm down,’ and kind of give him his way.  But this time, because of the way everything was explained in the program, I had a lot of confidence in what I was doing.  I totally ignored his behavior. We sat out there, reading the workbook and just discussing how we wanted to handle it. Gradually, I heard less and less out of him. After about twenty minutes, I came back inside, and I just about fell over because his room was totally put back.  He was in his bed with his blanket over him and his light off.  He was quiet except to say, “Mom, you’ve could’ve at least acknowledged me.”  And I didn’t say anything about what he did. I just said goodnight.  He was perfectly fine.  This time, he had given in and gone to bed. It was a total revelation of how badly he can manipulate us when we give in to him. We have not had one more outburst like that since.”



James Lehman is a behavioral therapist and the creator of The Total Transformation Program for parents. He has worked with troubled teens and children for three decades. James holds a Masters Degree in Social Work from Boston University.

--> READERS' COMMENTS Sounds great i will have to try that.   Comment By : ko

Does this work with teenagers and young adults as well? Some seem to think they can power play everything into a win/lose situation.   Comment By : J Jenkins

Excellent! Sounds like my household. Very helpful information.   Comment By : Kim

This is great information; thank you!   Comment By : Wendy

I really think this is great and the biblical way.   Comment By : CHERIE

I only wish I had found this a few years back. I'm dealing with a teenager (15-girl) who had these melt downs. Seems like we are starting on the right track now that she knows she can't maniupulate me any longer. It's like breaking a wild horse. Just watch out for their friends who will try the smooth talk with you to give in. Not happening at this household.   Comment By : wj

This is the best advice I have ever heard, and it came out just when I need it the most. I am raising my ten-year-old grandson by myself and he is a master of manipulation. I am a weak disciplinarian and have such a difficult time standing my ground. This strategy is perfect and will give the power back to me. I am so grateful for this information. Keep up the great work.   Comment By : Texas Grandma

sounds like my houselhold too. but will that work w/ a 4 year old . who doesn't want to reason.   Comment By : mammy

The article sounds good. My daughter is 13 and pitches very big fits. She was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. I don't know if this technique will work as easy for her but I am going to try it the next time she throws a fit.   Comment By : Nancy

What should you do when he says he is going out. You say no. He goes out anyway. He is 15yrs old.   Comment By : grandma

I have tried using these same techniques on my 14 year old ADHD son, but sometimes he gets so abusive that I just have to walk away in disbelief. What am I doing wrong?   Comment By : JB

i MEANT TO GIVE THIS A 5. tHIS SOUNDS JUST LIKE WHAT i AM GOING THRU W/ MY DAUGHTER RIGHT NOW.WE WILL GIVE THIS A TRY AND SEE WHAT HAPPENS. THANKS :o)   Comment By : Bella

Does this work in the stepparent role as well? I've been told by non-professionals I should not take the lead, to "step" away so-to-speak.   Comment By : informationgal

Excellent aritcle. Cannot wait to try it on my son. I would swear you were watching through a keyhole when you wrote it. That is he exactly.   Comment By : nereida

The second issue is staying clam yourself. If you raise your voice or otherwise display over the top aggitation, it's over!   Comment By : casa

My son (16) is also diagnosed with bipolar and ODD. His outbursts are so bad that we have had to call he police numerous times. I'm at my wits end on what to do with him and how to handle him. I wish I had heard of this when he was younger and more easily managed. He has become very abusive the older he gets. He hates his step-father who has been in the home since he was 8. He absolutely refuses to listen to him and even yells at him and calls him horrible names. Just wanted to get this off my chest. I do love him, but I have never seen a child as manipulative and abusive as he is.   Comment By : Jen

I completely understand where this mom is coming from; I have a near 15 yr. old daughter that is the queen of manipulation and intimidation. Her behavior started around 4 yrs. and has well inflated ever since. I have had the police at my house many times, she thinks the whole “system” is a joke and no one can do a thing to her; because thus far nothing has been done even when she is punched her little sister or pushed me, other then the police telling her “if you don’t settle down your going to a foster home”. I have been doing the ignoring of the behavior as well; she definitely does not like it. She will continue to try to push my buttons and follow me around to get my attention. Some day, most day are pretty insane at my house. She has ADHD and ODD among other a few other DX’s. I have two other girls that also have ADHD one 19 and the other 12, they have never displayed anything even close to her behavior. Sorry, I didn’t mean to write a book here.   Comment By : Shel

My son willl be 7, the end of the month and this article hits the nail on the head. My son is an only child AND has ADHD and those two combinations make me want to pull my hair out most of the time. It's nice to know that my son isn't the only one who can be sweet as pie one minute and totally miserable the next, if he doesn't get his way.   Comment By : Chatty Cathy

My 7 yr old son is like some of the children I have read about. I still lose my cool with him when he just keeps talking back to me. I don't hit him or anything like that but he is rough. I am learning to walk away and I still have to learn to say what I mean and mean what I say. It is rough with an only child that is adopted with ADHD/ODD/FAS.   Comment By : Tammy

Dear Informationgal, Just as with any parenting role, the most effective technique is for parents to work together. We recommend that parents continually confer with each other over establishing and changing important family routines and limits, and if it is necessary to come up with a corrective behavior plan that might include consequences, that too needs to be a joint effort between the parents. It is best to tell the child, for example, “Your father and I will talk about this and then we will all talk about it together.” In that way, it is recommended that all parents support each other. This is very important. It prevents the undermining of parental authority, a child’s ability to split the parent team and conflict between the spouses. Parents supporting each other can look different if you are a stepparent. Unless the children are very young, it is most likely that your role as a stepparent is to support the birth parent in their choices regarding house rules and defer to the birth parent to actively implement discipline. Do not allow the birth parent to place you in the “bad cop” role while they play the “good cop.” Frequently step parents take charge when they perceive that the birth parent does not do an adequate job or does no disciplining at all. Don’t let the birth parent off the hook, but instead, in your supportive role, talk together when away from the children about your concerns and ideas to make changes and then step out of the interaction with the children, forcing the birth parent to play that active disciplining role. If you and your spouse cannot agree on discipline, leave the discipline to the biological parent. There are usually a lot of adjustments involved in blending a new family. Be patient with yourself and your new family members. Relationships take time to mature; you may find there is a comfortable naturalness to the interactions in family members that develops as time goes by.   Comment By : Carole Banks, Parental Support Line Advisor-90Bridge

I am glad to see that someone from the Empowering Parents organization comments back at the end of the e-mails parents send in. It's good to vent but even better to have someone with some training to throw a little feedback your way.   Comment By : Cat

My younger sister, who is 20 years old, was born with mental retardation, and she as well is very manipulative. My mom can't deal with her, so she gives in. As a result, whenever something comes up, mom asks me to "make" my sister do something or whatever she needs. I fee like I am taking my mom's role, but somebody has to. When my sister needs to do something, and she refuses by yelling, getting angry, hitting walls, crying, threatning,just sitting and ignoring,(you just name everything possible and that's how my sister is). I've learned all of her manipulations, so I "manipulate" her (in a good way of course). I look for the reason why she refuses. I just let her know that she will not do "this or that" untill she does what she is being asked. Fore example, if she wants to go outside, I tell her that she won't go. If she wants to do something else, I just won't let her. I ignore her wild behaviors and just give her time to cool off. She learned about me as well. She knows that no matter what she does, I'll just say "no, not untill you do this". And I do it in a soft voice. It may take a while for every little thing we ask her to do, but she gives in at the end. She gives in faster when I tell her because she knows that I don't pay attention to her outbursts. However, it takes longer for mom to make her give in (that is if she'll succeed in winning).   Comment By : Daddy's girl

This article helps. My son is very manipulative (he's seven) and I appreciate the advice. I'll certainly try it!   Comment By : Marshall's marshal

I may not be a parent yet, but the article is very helpful in knowing what to do in order to start off correctly.   Comment By : :0)

sounds like a very normal family set up, my kids see it as very normal life routine! ihave a set of twins boy n gal.   Comment By : nomfi

awsome information, will definately try this.   Comment By : bec55

I just want to say that I have just started the program within the past 3 weeks and already see a difference...mostly in ME. Before getting this program I would have said that my kids (ages nearly 18 and 17) "just don't get it" but now I can say I "didnt get it" and now I do. Thanks to this program I am beginning to understand what is motivating their behavior and learning how to address it calmly and peacefully. The technique that I am using right now is disconnecting. Sometimes I even begin putting on my shoes to leave the house...when they see that it stops the show.I also am not renegotiating any curfew issues on the phone and standing firm. I am talking to my children differently...asking for their version of what went right and wrong about an incident and what they could have done better. It seems to defuse their anger and make them think (instead of me issuing commands and directives). It actually feels better..thank you .   Comment By : Linda B, in NJ

This article contained some information that I thought might be helpful for my 13 year old boy with ADHD,ODD,who is typically mid manered, but does suffer from outburst occasionally. I have a 16 year old boy, who I don't think it may work with. He does the yelling,name calling,interrupting while I'm talking, and gets right in my face to intimidate me all the while his friends (girls or boys) are present.He is very defiant,bad mouthed,disrespectful,and not setting a good exaple to my youngest.I want to call the police, but because he has allready been in trouble and trying(I think)to do better I beleive that would be counterproductive for him.   Comment By : Liane D, in ON

Update: my daughter told me last night that she will continue to engage in inappropriate and risky behavior until I give her the freedom and privileges she wants. I told her no privileges until she talks to me about some recent problems she is having. We are at a stalemate but having read the workbook and listened to the CDs gave me the strength to resist the manipulation and to see it for what it is. I was not upset and did not "freak out" at her threat as I would have in the past. Thanks.   Comment By : Linda B

To Liane D in ON: I wanted to let you and other parents reading EP to know that James Lehman will be addressing disrespect and other hardcore behavior problems in upcoming issues. I believe he offers real, practical solutions that will help a lot of parents out there. Please keep reading--we know this is a tough problem for many of you, and we're going to be addressing it soon.   Comment By : Elisabeth Wilkins, Editor of Empowering Parents-90bridge

I have a 14 yr old with ADHD and behavioral problems. I am looking forward to implementing this program (as well as with my 10 and 8 yr olds). I'll let you all know how we do!   Comment By : Lisa A.

My 14 yo son said a doozy last week, in answer to my statement, "I will not tolerate out-of-control behavior." He said, "I'm only out-of-control when I don't get what I want." I just stared at him and I think the silence startled him into actually hearing the absurdity of his statement. I'm just starting the program and I'm really excited about it...I think James has been living under my bed and knows my son better than I do!   Comment By : amber

my two childern are 11 months apart and they try to use my husband and i againest each other all the time. my son has ADD and has a very abustive attuide, but we cope with everything they think of but we also commucate alot.   Comment By : tigeress

I called the police on my 16-yr. old son when he was smaksing up our wooden swingset. This is before my exposure to TT (but it was the right thing to do). Since my only alternative is to physically fight him when something like that happens, I have to summon in a greater authority, in that case, the police. If the kid won't answer to us, or is a threat in the house, the police have to be brought it. This is not easy to do, and it is not always easy to know when the line has been crossed   Comment By : John B. in IL

HANG IN THERE! Last night the daughters boyfriend asked if she could come to Thanksgiving dinner. I told him no bcz she was still grounded for letting him in the house when I was not home...and she will be on punishment for awhile for their then having sex on my couch...He just stood there with his mouth hanging open. I called her inside and waited for the explosion...nothing...I waited...nothing...finally after 15 minutes I asked her if she was ok....and why no tantrum..She said "I'm tired and it doesnt get me what I want." I swear she said that,...Then I stood there with my mouth open...when I finally recovered I complimented her and told her that learning THIS was the way to redeem herself (not doing extra chores around the house). I still am in shock today...BUT I wanted to say HANG ON there is a small light at the end of the tunnel.   Comment By : LindaB

This article was really powerful and helpful.   Comment By : Brenda

My kids have been in (weekly & sometimes group)therapy for over a year and I now FINALLY feel strong enough to tell the therapists that we are going to take a break for awhile...Thank's to this program. Honestly, I was feeling so overwhelmed by my children's behavior that I just did not feel like I could handle it...so I took them to therapy in hopes that the therapy would "fix" things...It helped a bit...But now I no longer feel out of control or unable to handle things. I feel stronger and more competent...Believe me, we still have problems on a daily basis but I feel that I can cope with them..Thank you Total Transformation...If I find that we need help I can always call the therapist for help...but I want a break for a few months to see how things develop...   Comment By : LindaB

This describes a daily occurrence at our house. I'm going to try these additional techniques. This program has been a life saver!   Comment By : jonniebones13

I have a stepson who bullys and threatens me. He's 7 yrs. old. I will definitely have to try this. The one thing that I have an issue with is that I have a 1 and 2 yr old and when I try to walk away, my boyfriend's kids follow me. It is definitely a power struggle. I was told this for attention and I have to learn to ignore them or tell them that no is no and mean it and that's it.....I just got the system and I'm waiting for it in the mail...I hope it comes soon, because these power struggles are draining on their father and I. He says I add to the problem and all I want to do is make things easier for us all.   Comment By : crazyathome

To Crazyathome: Relationships in blended families can be challenging. One helpful thing to remember is that the biological parent should play the leading role in choosing and implementing consequences for their own child. Step-parents support the biological parent’s decisions. If a step-child is bullying and threatening you, his father should discipline him. If his father is not present, you could say, “It’s not okay to make threats or behave in the way that you are behaving.” If kids follow when you try to walk away, do not continue to talk to them. Use James’ Disconnect technique where he advises to “Cut off communication immediately if a child is being disrespectful, obnoxious or abusive.” Power struggles can occur when a parent tries to force a child to do something right then and there, and the child digs in. Instead, step out of that struggle and give the child a choice. Tell them, “If you refuse to comply, there will be a consequence.” Stop talking to the child and let them have a moment to choose. You have effectively stopped the power struggle. Discuss the incident with the biological parent and allow him to decide on consequences and enforce those consequences.   Comment By : Carole Banks, Parental Support Line Advisor-90Bridge

I am right now having that struggle. My son is demanding that I get him out of a grounding he got because he blatantly would not do his school work (I homeschool). I being the weakest link in the parent chain, was doomed the second my husband left to take my eldest son to church. He was telling me how mad he was at me and that all this was my fault for talking to my husband about his inappropriate behavior. I had been threatening him that I would tell his dad if he continued like he was. He did not care, he did not think I do it. This time I did. I know I was wrong not to do it a month ago, but I couldn't deal this time. I am so glad I came back to this site.We have the Total Transformation, and we started it, but only got to the first CD and then, I really don't know what happened. I emailed this article to my husbands work and told him that it was time to get it back out and really work at it and finish it.. Just this article has given me the confidence to stand up to him and just block out the tantrum he was throwing while I was reading the article. Thank You for this site. It was a life saver tonight....   Comment By : Juls

This article was great! I have a manipulative 16 yo daughter, mainly because my ex lets her do whatever she wants to (she lives with him). Recently, I had a great moment due to your program, I actually felt like a mom again. My daughter had been allowed to stay the night at her boyfriends house and the boy had stayed the night at her dads house. When she stayed with me, she wanted to stay overnight at the boys house. I said no, gave her other options and walked away. She had a fit, packed her things and walked out. Next thing I know, her dad calls me and tells me that it is now in his hands and he let her spend the night at the boys house. So the next time she came to my house, I sat her down and told her my rule. I said I cant control what happens at other peoples homes but when she is at my house, it will never be acceptable to spend the night at her boyfriends. So she schemed and lied to me the very next day about spending the night at a girlfriends house. I had a feeling something was up. Later that night I showed up at the girls house she was supposed to be at and of course she was not there. So I went immediately to the boys house (at midnight. I was shaking and my heart was pounding because I was expecting an explosion and her to tell me that she was not leaving and calling her dad. But I credit TT for teaching me the proper way to handle the situation. When she showed up at the door, very calmly I said "I guess plans changed, get your things we are going home." She said "right now". I said "Yes, its midnight, your curfew" She turned around silently, got her things and walked out the door that I held open for her. The next day, she apologized tearily to me and said she felt really bad and wouldnt do it again. Well let me tell you when I got home that night, I was jumping up and down in my bedroom (silently of course) because despite everything her dad had done to undermine my authority, I got through to her. I used to be a yeller but the TT program taught me to deliver my message calmly and I have used it so many times recently. It has been a building process, little steps at a time to change my behavior with her which in affect changes her behavior and she had become more compliant. But this one was the goose with the golden egg. THANK YOU TT and James Lehman. There is a God!!!   Comment By : Happy Mom

Comment by Jen made my blood run cold. HOW DARE that cop threaten that girl with "going to a foster home"! I am a FOSTER MOM . . . and it is for love of - and frustration with - a 17-yr-old foster daughter (with a whole alphabet soup of diagnoses) that drove me to FIND this site! I'm still learning   Comment By : jiggs

I can't believe that so many kids act out this way. My child has been this way for years. This will all stop shortly. These articles have helped me so much! Our parents would never have stood for such behavior and I'm not either. Thumbs up to you Sir, God bless you!   Comment By : angelheart

I am having a hal-lay-lu-ha break down. My husband and I are adoptive parents of two older daughters. They came to us at 4 and 8 years old and were finally adopted at 6 and 10. When the oldest was 12, she began a series of behaviors that range from tryancy at school and running away to stealing and "assaulting" us and others in very violent ways too many times to recall. She was institutionized three times (2 of which she broke out of), put in numerous homes and foster homes, in and out of "juvie", and given wonderful opportunities to prove herself with independent living. We failed, she failed, and "the system" failed. She is now 19 years old and I have not seen her outside of a court room for 7 years. Now her younger sister is following in her footsteps. The oldest has made contact through the years with her younger sister and has caused much turmoil and distress for her younger sister and us. We have taken great pains to assure our youngest daughter's protection, but we now realize the manipulation of her older sister has been on-going for years right under our noise. That coupled with the ignorance of well meaning judges who have denied every restraining order request has left us with little to no hope. Although we have been in almost continual therapy through the years, nothing could address the immediate day-to-day needs of our family and all the elements of it. Our youngest daughter is now a runaway for her second time and we must make plans for her return. We hesitate, yet we know that children are worth every pain-staking moment. We have been through so many channels of different agencies, councelors, and programs. This program gives me hope, if not for my children, then for me. Perhaps that is selfish to say, but we parents need help and hope as well. This is truely a blessing.   Comment By : jg

I think the article is insightful....but, my issue is different, my child diagnosed with adhd....does not throw these tantrums or fits at home....but, at school. His teachers say he is defiant, and is hyper focused on entertaining the class and/or antagonizing his classmates. And he gets VERY ANGRY when his teacher chastises him(kicks his chair, mumbles, grumbles...) Don't get me wrong, we have some tense times at home, but when I call him on it...I can SEE him reign himself in. How do we handle these behaviors in the classroom. When I sit in class with him, he's fine...but I HAVE to work. This is very frustrating to me. He is 10 years old, and until now this has not affected his school work. Now he is getting put out of class EVERY day...so of course it is going to affect his work soon. Right now his teacher allows him to do his work outside of class and turn it in. And since I don't have any problems getting him to do his homework, he's not behind. But, we need to really reign this behavior in and I'm at a loss. OK, it felt good just to get all of that out.   Comment By : --Stressed

The comment posted my Stressed really hit home for me. To make a long story short, we have the same issues with my 9 year old son's school. His behavior is totally different in the school environment than at home. We went so far as to bring in an outside specialist to do a functional behavioral assessment in his classroom. When I asked the school why it took us bringing someone in for this to be done, they stated they "thought they knew the function of his behavior". Their assumptions, interpretations and labels only serve to put a spotlight on his challenges. Their responses escalate behavior instead of helping him get his needs met in a appropriate way like Dr. Lehman teaches in TT. I know what helped us was having experts outside the school "system" to support what we have been trying to tell them all along. The adults need to change what they are doing and lose the belief that they can punish these behaviors out of him. It bothers me that they assume we have "battles" with homework and difficulty with him at home. He has many responsibilities, including homework and does them willingly and for the most part independently. We are following through and making sure the school is using the tools and information provided from the FBA. It is still a challenge, but they know we are paying attention to their role in a postive outcome.   Comment By : Beenthere

  From the November 2007 issue of Empowering Parents (http://www.empoweringparents.com) a free online magazine for parents.   ©2009 Legacy Publishing Company. All Rights Reserved. About Us | Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Link to Us Manage my Subscription | Unsubscribe Here | Whitelisting EP var gaJsHost = (("https:" == document.location.protocol) ? "https://ssl." : "http://www."); document.write(unescape("%3Cscript src='" + gaJsHost + "google-analytics.com/ga.js' type='text/javascript'%3E%3C/script%3E")); var pageTracker = _gat._getTracker("UA-1547181-1"); pageTracker._setDomainName("empoweringparents.com"); pageTracker._initData(); pageTracker._trackPageview(); getCookie('SizeFont');